Cleaning House
I’m neurotic.
I know this because I can tell exactly when my neurosis kicks in although I normally can’t help it.
I have certain rituals that I need to do to stay sane; one of them is cleaning.
I always clean on Sundays. I don’t go a through a Sunday (as long as I’m home) without cleaning, I’d feel unbalanced and it’ll throw my week off.
I’ve stayed home from work on a Monday to clean once when I couldn’t squeeze it in on Sunday. – Like I said. I’m neurotic.
Last Sunday was typical; things had aligned themselves well. I scrubbed, wiped, washed and brushed my way through. Then came time to vacuum, I juiced up the machine, it purred but there was no suction! The vacuum cleaner refused to suck!
I tried everything I could think of to no avail, panic started to set in. I didn’t even want to think it – my neurosis set in. I made a personal declaration – I wasn’t going to sleep that night without having cleaned those bloody carpets.
I started to think… I went to my next door neighbour but he was out doing what sane people normally do on Sunday nights. I silently cursed Esther and Charles for moving to Surrey with their Dyson. I checked the time – it was 8PM.
In instances like this, I always go about it like a covert operation because if I told anyone, they’ll make light of it and try to dissuade me; which only aggravates me more.
I was alone and glad for that. Appliance stores were closed, but the London Drugs down the street was open till 10PM.
I rushed there like a crazy person, possibly mumbling to myself.
There were about ten brands of vacuum cleaners, each purported to be a wonder of some sort – it was making me crazy. I decided I wanted one exactly like my old non-sucking one. I found a small, upright bagless by Dirt Devil with 14.4 amps, my old is 12; obviously it’s superior and it wins.
I lugged it home like it was going to save my life, I get home unbox it and guess what????
It’s bloody cordless! I swear it didn’t say that on the box!!! It takes up to 24 hours to charge! Clearly, this is some kind of a joke and I’m even more determined not to be fucked with! Come what may the godforsaken place will get cleaned before dawn!
Pearlsa returns from the radio station then, it’s past 9PM, I’m standing in the living room with my vacuums, she looks at me weirdly. I get defensive.
I explain my predicament; “Oh” she says… “I wasn’t aware the old vacuum was broken.”
Well excuse me for not getting that memo to you in time, I think to myself.
She tinkles with it for a few minutes and starts taking things apart.
It turns out there’s a blockage in the hose; we clear it out, put it back together and viola!
The damn thing is sucking up dirt again!
Pearlsa looks at me, proud owner of a new Dirt Devil mean cleaning machine and implies that I’m an idiot. I don’t care, the stars are aligned again. Crisis averted.
Next day I return the vacuum after reading reviews on how much it sucks (in a bad way).
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